Hostage Hostility

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife hostage. He forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to back, and ties them to the chairs. The burglar slowly and methodically begins stealing from the house.

When the burglar has taken everything of value, he gets ready to leave, the homeowners still bound to their chairs, when suddenly, the man yells at the burglar, “Please untie her, please, let her go!”

The thief responds with, “No, I’m not untying either of you so that the authorities get notified as late as possible. Don’t worry, your neighbors will soon wonder why your lights are still on throughout the night and check in on you long before you succumb to dehydration.”

The man yet again pleads, “Please, just untie her, I’ll do anything!”

The burglar once again explains his reasoning, “I need to get away with this crime, I’m sorry, I can’t leave anything up to chance.”

The man shuffles his chair towards the burglar, in a state of mania, exclaims, “I’m begging you man, just let her go, she won’t call the cops, I promise!”

The burglar, still unwilling to budge, did find it quite touching how much his hostage cared about his wife.

“Wow,” he said “You must really love your wife to beg me to untie her so desperately.”

“No,” The man replied, in a state of frenzy, “My wife will be home in 15 minutes.”

Closet Case Crisis

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife on the bed only in her underwear, sweating and panting.

“What’s up?” he says.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

“You heartless beast,” says the husband, “my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!!!”

Perfume and Prejudice

A man goes home after being at his mistress’ house. However, he realizes that he smells like her perfume. So then he goes to the nearby bar, drinks a couple of glasses of whiskey, and heads home.

His wife met him at the door, smelled him, and told him, “You disrespectful pig! You can pour a gallon of women’s perfume over yourself and I’ll know that you’ve been drinking.”

Under Bed Investigation

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn’t want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number.

His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting to someone. “Hey babe, I’m just changing clothes and then I will join you,” he said. “As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and she left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!” Then he hung up and walked out of the room.

Heartbroken, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter. Through teary eyes, she read:

“I could see your feet, you silly, I am going out to buy bread.”

Labor Pains for Gains

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the baby’s father. He was asked if they were willing to try it out.

They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point, they decided to try out for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.